Four Cups Review

I struggled getting through this book as there were things used in the author's guiding that just made me feel a bit uneasy and were hard for me to grasp. Using the four cups of wine used in Passover, he uses them as a metaphor of sorts for God's promises of a plan for our lives. I just think it's kind of kitschy and not sound but I'm not exactly a doctor of theology either. Some of the passages were encouraging but this might be a better suited read for those with more in depth theological knowledge and didn't feel like it was attainable understanding for even a Sunday School teacher possibly.

But I'm Not a Wicked Stepmother Review

But I'm Not a Wicked Stepmother!: Secrets of Successful Blended Families by Kathi Lipp
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I got this book, perhaps, a touch too late unfortunately. At the time I got my hands on it, I was a prospective step-mother for a very strong willed but bright and beautiful little one and the issues of trying to blend a family had already began to sink it's teeth into ripping our plans apart.

I still read through the book and it gave me the encouragement and tools I needed to keep trying my very best in the situation even though it was falling apart.

The good news is that I've been able to pass it along to a friend who is a new step-mother and she reports it has been of the utmost help to her.

View all my reviews

Lies

Lies, attacks, fiery darts of negativity and deception have been thrown at me left and right for awhile now. I began to believe those lies and forgot who I am, what I am and where I'm going. Got a fresh breath last night. Already, only an hour or so after, doubt and fear began to resurface. I wrestled all night with it in what I can only describe as a spiritual battle of epic proportions. Once I finally got some sleep, the war was still raging on keeping me from resting well. When I woke up this morning, I made the wrong move of checking my phone and Facebook before grabbing my Bible and I felt the war begin again. I'm stomping and squashing that NOW. Truth.

"The truth is... " may be a new thing for me. 

The truth is... I am NOT crazy. The truth is.... I am worth dying for. The truth is... only HE can provide my healing and only HE can provide the security and love I desire.

Another Chance

I haven't blogged in awhile, obviously. I have an addictive personality. That means for me, that sometimes I go hard at things that interest me and then, when something else catches my eye, I sometimes tend to drop one thing and go after another. 

Had a little reality smack.

I thought I was just having back pain or a kidney stone but apparently I was quite sick. Two emergency surgeries and a week vacation at the hospital later, here I sit, tubes coming out of me, frustration mixed with thankfulness in the strangest brew welling up, not much to do but think way too much.

There's a reason for this, I'm sure of that. 

Must-Read Blog Posts - These Posts Made Me Smile, Cry or Laugh.

With not much sleep and a TON on my brain right now, I'm having trouble sorting out my thoughts to type out in an orderly fashion. So, I don't think it's a great idea for me to publish anything I've drafted so far until I have a little more clarity on it. I decided I needed to be a READER today. Hit up bloglovin' and see what everyone else has to say. So glad I did. A zillion clicks later, many blogs read, tears shed and I bring you...

Holy Makeover - Girl Power! 

on essential thing devotions.

O God, thy sea is so great and my boat is so small… 

on Hope in the Healing

Becoming Mrs. Right 

on Bless Your Heart and Home

Falling In Love... with myself.

Self-esteem and confidence have always been a struggle for me. I was the quintessential funny fat girl all my life. Still am. I was always okay with settling for that but over the last year, as my life has changed drastically, I have yearned for more. More love, more respect, more sincerity... more out of life.
So, while I'm thinking about that two song lyrics pop into my head. "If you're gonna start somewhere why not here? If you're gonna start sometime why not now?" and "Unapologetically... I wanna leave a legacy..." and here I am, sitting on this computer typing away unexpectedly.

I think it might do me some good to make a list of why I should love myself. A list of my positive attributes, my favorite things about myself and what makes me an awesome chick-a-dee.

1. I want to grow and learn, always.
2. I take interest in what the people I care about are interested in.
3. I'm a good mommy. I've got this beautiful, healthy, brilliant daughter that rarely gets in trouble, brings home excellent grades, loves and trusts with all of her heart and has more wisdom than many adults do. I must have done *something* right in my years of parenting her.
4. God loves me, duh. That should be reason enough to love me.
5. I admit when I was wrong about something, apologize when I've wronged someone and am open about my flaws. Transparency deserves respect!

That list really should be longer, ya know? Maybe in time it will grow.

What I do know is that it's enough for me to stop the cycle of self-sabotage and settling now and start living more courageously and loving myself.

The Tornado Within : Self Sabotage

A #transparenttuesday post.

I was halfway through writing a completely different post this afternoon about self-love and well, it's been tabled. Just couldn't complete it. Hey, it's Transparent Tuesday, right?! Might as well go with being real, huh? Real for me today is low, feeling like a complete idiot, a downright mess. So, that's what you're getting.
Fortunately, in some of my research for this post I found some "light at the end of the tunnel" stuffs so maybe I'll feel better and learn as I write. ;)

From Psychology Today: "Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating in the face of weight concerns, and self-injury such as cutting. These acts may seem helpful in the moment, but ultimately undermine us, especially when we engage in them repeatedly."

Basically, in so many words, you can be your own worst enemy. Yes, yes I can.

From Psych Alive: "The critical inner voice doesn’t represent a positive sense of self that you can entrust in. Rather, it epitomizes a cruel “anti-self,” a part inside us that is turned against us. It casts doubt on our abilities, undermines our desires, and convinces us to be paranoid and suspicious toward ourselves and those close to us. This anti-self fills our mind with critical self-analysis and self-sabotaging thoughts that lead us to hold back or steer away from our true goals."

Boom. Wow.

Yeah, but how do you from understanding and knowing that to stopping it? That's kind of where I have been stuck at for quite some time. Okay, I see this happening, I see the patterns forming but what do I do? So, here's some of the ideas I'm gathering (and I hope that they will help you if you are stuck in this rut also, and I do ask for prayers as I start trying to work these out).

1. Identify Triggers. Retrace steps, find the root of the very first negative thought. You can't solve a problem without getting to the very deep beginning core of it.

2. Swap It Out. Decide on a positive thought you can immediately counter-act any doubts with.

3. Partner Up. Pick a person that you trust not to judge you or condemn you when you have moments of weakness or slip ups but will instead gently remind you of what you SHOULD be thinking about.

4. Stay Focused. Idle minds, ya know. ;)

5. Don't Throw The Baby Out With The Bathwater. Don't throw it all away over a mistake or two. Clean the situation up, pull the weeds, strain the water, but do NOT give up.

What I'm Reading (and what's on my mind)

I've hit writer's block I think.
I'm having trouble getting going on my book, journaling, blogging AND even speaking/communicating to some extent.

Thought I'd atleast show my face and share what I'm currently sticking my nose in.

Finishing the last couple chapters of How Can I Talk If My Lips Don't Move: inside my autistic mind by Tito Rajarshi Mukhapadhyay. In the first couple chapters of Woman Thou Art Loosed! by T.D. Jakes and thinking I need to finally dive into one of the books I was sent last month to review before I run out of time on it.

The last few weeks have been kind of crazy in my personal life. A LOT of retrospection, introspection, decision making and emotions.

I'm exhausted. Happy-ish, but drained at the same time.

*sigh*

Blessed Assurance: A Woman's Desires

I haven't met any women in my life that at some point haven't wrestled with disappointment, let-downs, abandonment, limitations or disillusionment. I know I have. As little girls, we dreamt of fairytales and happily ever after. Then reality smacked us upside the head when we had our hearts broken for the first time.

I'm going to write this from my heart, though I know most women who read this will be reading it as though they are their own words ;)

I've always been after the "Cinderella" experience.
I want to rise from my past, be the beauty from ashes.
I want to love myself.
I want to be loved.
I want to feel wanted and loved unconditionally.
I want to be appreciated and respected.
I long for intimacy, affirmation, validation, acceptance and a sense of worth.
I want someone to see through to my hidden inner beauty.

Often, I forget that I HAVE that already. No human could ever love me in the perfect way that my Father does but it somehow never stops me from desiring that love to be reflected by someone in the flesh.

When I do remember it... the feeling that washes over me is too amazing for words. To feel in those moments so secure in who and whose I am... love.

I am in a real-life fairytale. The best kind, where there is no happy ending, but a happy eternity. The KING gives me dignity, worth, beauty, peace, purpose and unconditional, undying love.

5 Days of Refocus: An All Week Long Updated Post

Realized this weekend that I had begun to lose sight of the woman I had become and found myself slipping back into some old thought patterns.
Decided I needed to take this week and regroup and recover a little.

Day 1: Struggle. Strength. Standards.

Struggling with some self-doubt, concern about some decisions I'm making and what moves to make. My personality makes me easy to give up, quit, let go of things. I need more strength.
One thing I need to definitely hold on to are the standards I had established for myself, my life, my relationships... I know who I am, know my heart and I'm going to really try to hold tight to the ideals I prayed so hard about months ago.



I challenge you to join me the next four days. Monday's gone but you can do four days of refocus. ;)

Just stop and really analyze your life right now. Are you feeling disconnected to God, yourself, disconnected in relationships...? It's definitely time to hit the pause button and pray and think about what's causing that if you are.



Day 2:  Lazy With A Purpose


Purposefully lazy. Intentionally resting, vegging out, letting myself just do what I felt like doing and nothing more. Nothing else to say about that. It is what it is.



Day 3: Organization, Order, Oops

Really starting to have my eyes open to where I made some mistakes that caused me to slip back into some old, bad habits. Trying to sort out all of my thoughts. Go back to square one of brokenness and to that raw place right before I began to rebuild my life. I made some strong decisions and strong goals that I have definitely let slip a little lately. Tonight and tomorrow I'm going to try to figure out how I can back track just enough to get back to where I need to be without causing too much disruption.


Day 4: Broken

Then everything comes to surface and spills out into a beautifully chaotic mess.


Day 5: Hope and Healing

FINALLY reading Woman Thou Art Loosed! by T.D. Jakes and, wow, gaining some insight and comfort I needed a WHILE ago! I'm feeling like I'm beginning to see things correctly again. This is going to be more than a one week/five day journey at this point but I know my God makes beauty from ashes, I know He made some wonderful changes in my life in a short time before so I'm believing for it and ready to take this challenge.

*sigh*

It's crazy to feel this exhausted AND this refreshed at the same time.

Weary? Rest.

I'm writing to myself today.
Reminding myself of the cure for my weariness.

If you are feeling tired, broken, weary, exhausted, heavy... I hope it will help you as well.

Thirsty? Living water.

Hungry? Communion.

Tired? Rest in the Prince of Peace.

Sick? Call upon the Healer.

Confused? Seek His guidance.

Transparency

The word is being used more and more these days. I think, in my humble opinion, that so many people are tired of being burnt and betrayed and are craving more honesty in their lives.
I've been asked recently what it means to be or live transparently. Decided it'd make a good blog post.
Wikipedia says : Transparency is operating in such a way that it is easy for others to see what actions are performed. It has been defined simply as "the perceived quality of intentionally shared information from a sender".
Merriam-Webster says:
Full Definition of TRANSPARENT
1
a (1) :  having the property of transmitting light without appreciable scattering so that bodies lying beyond are seen clearly :  pellucid (2) :  allowing the passage of a specified form of radiation (as X-rays or ultraviolet light)
b :  fine or sheer enough to be seen through :  diaphanous
2
a :  free from pretense or deceit :  frank
b :  easily detected or seen through :  obvious
c :  readily understood
d :  characterized by visibility or accessibility of information especially concerning business practices

How can you be more transparent?

1. Express yourself without smoke screens, blinds, pretensions, so that you are not pretending or putting on a show.
2. Freely share about yourself and your feelings.
3. Be open and obvious about your thoughts.
4. Don't throw stones unless you want it to boomerang back into your face.
5. Learn from mistakes and treat every moment as a learning opportunity.
6. Don't change but DO GROW.

Strength in Weakness : A Transparent Tuesday Post

I was all set up and ready to accept defeat.
I had one of the worst nights I have had in about a month last night. For a few weeks, I've managed to have minimal panic attacks and I have been able to push my way out of the "comfort zone" and enjoy more activity. It's been phenomenal. However, it's also caused me to be a little more careless with my health. I've made a few unwise choices and I think it's gotten it's effect on my body now.
It started with chest pain.
Had to rationalize it... "It's on my right not my left. I have eaten foods that cause gas pains today. It's not a heart attack, it's most likely gas or tension, worst case maybe my gallbladder. You're okay, Sarah, this will pass."
Maybe because I got worked up about it... maybe because I was so tired... maybe for some other reason, I began having palpitations. Bad case of them. Threw me into a very scary attack.
I prayed. I paced. I tried distracting myself. I prayed. I paced. I woke my mom up. I prayed. I paced. I showered. Eventually, about five hours into it all, I finally just crashed.
This morning I think I found some clarity in the mess, some strength in the weakness, some beauty in the chaos.
By God's grace, I lived through that. By His mercy and comfort, I pulled through and finally rested.
Even though I had to wake my mom up just to have someone awake and sitting up as I showered and tried to calm myself, even though I reached out on social media to friends and messaged my sleeping boyfriend, I spent more of the time praying and letting my petitions AND thanksgivings be known to my Father. That's growth for me.

Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy....
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings."
Psalm 61:1-4

Of course, it makes perfect sense that an anxiety and panic attack of that magnitude would slam into me right now! Things have been going great and spiritual warfare rages when you find happiness and comfort. Nuh-uh, not this time, though! Not gonna let it win. When is evil being beaten? Not usually when we feel happy and confident, when it looks like wonderful things are happening. No, I feel evil is being defeated when we are feeling attacked and under the gun, when we feel weak and helpless and do not know what to do, when we are not sure how to respond, when in our weakness we cry out to God and plead with Him for strength to move the mountain.

Friday Freebie! Free Printable.

Just a goodie, you can print, save, share, do whatever with.
Enjoy. ;)
(p.s.) "click here" on picture will not work- it's there for pinterest reasons (totally pin this btw kthanks!), the link will be right below the thumbnail.

DOWNLOAD HERE

Lean Body Fat Wallet - Book Review

I like non-fiction, self-help, motivational books like this. I like them even better when the writers begin with completely authentic, honest revelations about their own lives and struggles. Just makes me trust them a little more, ya know?

Lean Body Fat Wallet contains a wealth of assessment tools, charts, tips and tricks to whip you into shape. It is broken up into two parts. Problem identification is a big part of the first half and the solutions are offered in the second. Straightforward, to the point but with tons of expounded information.


I would recommend this to anyone struggling with ANY bad habits, not just weight loss or finances! These rules and helps could be applied to a plethora of subjects and, in my humble opinion, have dynamite results! I can't wait to start putting some of the information and lessons I learned in this book to good use.



I received this book for free to review but this is my honest opinion of it. For more information, see my disclosure/policy page.

WAHM Wednesday - Yours Truly!

Time for the monthly WAHM Wednesday post and I haven't heard back from the person I'd planned to feature so... ya get ME!

Thrilled, right?

Okay, so I'm not going to all out interview myself, because that seems borderline creepy.

I pretty much HAVE to be a WAHM. I have panic and anxiety problems that prevent me from working outside the home. No fun and I could whine about it and just not even try at all... but... I just have to do what I can and trust God to provide for us!

My WAHM Ventures:

This Blog. - and if you like my blog and would consider helping a sistah out, ask me about advertising!

Handcrafted Jewelery - which I will probably start posting more about soon.

PTC stuff and Swagbucks - hey, a penny earned is a penny earned!

Aaaaand, now I'm hoping to possibly get into Origami Owl. I'm having a jewelry bar online right now and hoping to use it as a launch pad for me to start up. If ya wanna support me in that... SHOP HERE!

Modern Modesty?

It's COLD today.
However, there have already been a few sunny, warm days letting me know that Spring has began to show it's face.
That brings up a big concern for me. I thought about my bag of stowed away summer clothes . Seriously, TONS of summer dresses with daringly low dipping necklines, snug empire waists that serve the purpose of accentuating two of my larger features. I used to be of the thinking that I should "work what I got" but through the growth I've gone through recently I now wish to keep those "top shelf features" covered up.
Obviously, Southern summer heat requires some extra skin to be shown but how far is too far (or how low is too low)? I'm not a knock-out by far but I am street-smart enough to know that my cleavage could cause a stumbling block distraction for my Christian brothers. So what do I do about a summer wardrobe now, with all of these pretty dresses with their distracting necklines?
The off-the-rack choices for us... well, leaves few options for those of us choosing to be a little more careful. I'm losing weight and wanting to accentuate and be proud of my feminine body but I do NOT want to be irresponsible either.
I found a few pinterest boards with fashion ideas (love it! 1 2 3) but with no steady income, it's unlikely I could emulate those fashions with what I have to work with. *frustration sets in momentarily*
I'm totally open to advice in the comments (*hint hint*) and if you've posted a blog about this before and want to share it please let me know. If I can figure this dilemma out there may be a part two to this. ;)

Who Are We?

NEW.

Beautiful new creations.

Whenever we begin to feel like our old habits are creeping back up on us, negative or self-destructive thoughts are coming against us, we need to remember we are NEW. Ask Him to show us how far the east is from the west. How far we've come, how new we are, how different we are. 

I'm so excited looking back, getting ready to celebrate a roller-coaster ride of a year- one year of sobriety, y'all! It's going to be a GREAT weekend, one I can't wait to share about on Monday. 

Here's a little video I made back at New Year's.

Where've I Been? Wednesday. Hahaha.

Took a couple days off from posting. I don't EVER want to post random filler if I don't have something important I want to share or say. Just putting that out there. It wastes both my time and yours. Not saying that I haven't really had anything going on or nothing to say, just want to remind my readers that I'm not going to let this blog become a boring routine because that goes against my mission statement.
Today I'm just going to go over some personal-ish stuff in hopes that it will touch or bring some understanding to at least one person who reads it.


Remember that first date I went on a week and a half ago? Yeah...
<3 Fell in love fast. It's okay, though. We've both done this relationship thing according to the rules, the societal norms before and didn't get it right. We're on God's timing now. It's unbelievably amazing and feels so right. We laugh about how crazy it must look from the outside but with God's design for our lives leading us, we are fine with jumping on in and not wasting each other's time. In exactly two weeks this afternoon, we've spent nearly 21 hours talking on the phone (this does not include the 550+ texts and insane amount of facebook messaging done in the first few days), and more than 40 hours spending time together and getting to know each other. TELL ME, how many couples spend their first few weeks that involved in getting to know the other? We've covered every topic from favorite music/movies to having more children. From favorite foods to what we desire from a spouse. From bad habits/hangups to what we want to spend the rest of our lives doing. It's mind blowing.

The best thing about it is that we have discovered quickly by laying everything on the line like that- we are definitely compatible. Beyond compatible to that "magic-aha-moment" thing you don't even see in movies anymore. Even crazier is that for a little while, we were right under each other's noses and never saw each other or met. Ya know why? It wasn't time. We weren't ready for each other until now. What a mighty God we serve that weaves these pieces of our lives together just right! We were going through seasons in our lives that were preparing us to really appreciate each other. We had to get our focus on Him and really want His will not ours. I could go on and on cuz, ya know, I'm just so happy right now, no scratch happy- I feel so much JOY right now!

In other news... I had a bad enough panic attack at church Sunday that I had to run out again. Immediately I began to beat myself up about it as usual. "They all think I'm a flake.", "I'm never going to be able to get and stay involved.", "Everyone is going to doubt my faith." and I just had to stop myself. It was a MOMENT. I took a baby step back. All I have to do now is try again. As long as I just keep stepping out in faith and trying, I'm doing the right thing.

I hope everyone is having as amazing of a week as I am! :)

The Past Is Just That

I have been through the ringer in my relationships and marriages. I've not been a good partner in the past. I've even gone through time periods where I was not a good mother. I've done horrible things. Resounding theme for the last week has been, however, that the past is just that- the past. I cannot carry those bricks with me. I am not that person. I am in Christ now, a new creature. Old things are passed away and everything has become new. 

In just over a week I will be celebrating not only my 30th birthday but also marking a year of incredible change in my life. In this year, I've become sober and celibate. I've lost 50 lbs and 4 dress sizes. I've begun a closer walk with my Lord, gained clarity and deeper understanding of things and really just become NEW.

It's been worth the struggle, the tears, the pain... to get to this point. It's not over yet, by any means. If you are in what feels like a pressure cooker, a torture chamber, I really just want to encourage you to bear with it and keep going. There is a Light at the end of this tunnel. He's got this. ;)