Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Strength in Weakness : A Transparent Tuesday Post

I was all set up and ready to accept defeat.
I had one of the worst nights I have had in about a month last night. For a few weeks, I've managed to have minimal panic attacks and I have been able to push my way out of the "comfort zone" and enjoy more activity. It's been phenomenal. However, it's also caused me to be a little more careless with my health. I've made a few unwise choices and I think it's gotten it's effect on my body now.
It started with chest pain.
Had to rationalize it... "It's on my right not my left. I have eaten foods that cause gas pains today. It's not a heart attack, it's most likely gas or tension, worst case maybe my gallbladder. You're okay, Sarah, this will pass."
Maybe because I got worked up about it... maybe because I was so tired... maybe for some other reason, I began having palpitations. Bad case of them. Threw me into a very scary attack.
I prayed. I paced. I tried distracting myself. I prayed. I paced. I woke my mom up. I prayed. I paced. I showered. Eventually, about five hours into it all, I finally just crashed.
This morning I think I found some clarity in the mess, some strength in the weakness, some beauty in the chaos.
By God's grace, I lived through that. By His mercy and comfort, I pulled through and finally rested.
Even though I had to wake my mom up just to have someone awake and sitting up as I showered and tried to calm myself, even though I reached out on social media to friends and messaged my sleeping boyfriend, I spent more of the time praying and letting my petitions AND thanksgivings be known to my Father. That's growth for me.

Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy....
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings."
Psalm 61:1-4

Of course, it makes perfect sense that an anxiety and panic attack of that magnitude would slam into me right now! Things have been going great and spiritual warfare rages when you find happiness and comfort. Nuh-uh, not this time, though! Not gonna let it win. When is evil being beaten? Not usually when we feel happy and confident, when it looks like wonderful things are happening. No, I feel evil is being defeated when we are feeling attacked and under the gun, when we feel weak and helpless and do not know what to do, when we are not sure how to respond, when in our weakness we cry out to God and plead with Him for strength to move the mountain.

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